Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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