I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
