Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
