so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
