i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
