I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
