I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
