Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
