i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
