12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
