you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
two words...techno handjob
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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