Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
