im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
As shirtless as possible
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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