I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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