I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
