Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
