I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
