His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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