Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
