I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
