she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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