I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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