mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
