those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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