So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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