I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
