Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
