so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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