Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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