she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
