Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
