32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
