Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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