you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
