sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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