Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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