Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
