She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
