Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Less talking, more tequila
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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