Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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