Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
