do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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