man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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