bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You ate ashes out of my bong
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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