I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Randomize
