Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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