well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
