I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
