I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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