FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
