i wish my penis had a tongue
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
