Just took my morning after pill in the library
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
