dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
