I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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