Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
