i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
