I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i was born a porn star she said
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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