Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
