He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
