mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
