Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
