Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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