So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
