chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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