Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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