My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
