Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
