she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
