Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
