I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
